Hippiemommy

Category: Attachment Parenting

  • Even economists think Gary Ezzo is crazy

    Isn’t it nice when you’re reading a book that has nothing to do with parenting or Christianity and then you stumble upon a little jewel?

    …Ann Hulbert documented how parenting experts contradict one another and even themselves. Their banter might be hilarious were it not so confounding and, often, scary. Gary Ezzo, who in the Babywise book series endorses an “infant-management strategy” for moms and dads trying to “achieve excellence in parenting,” stresses how important it is to train a baby, early on, to sleep alone through the night. Otherwise, Ezzo warns, sleep deprivation might “negatively impact an infant’s developing central nervous system” and lead to learning disabilities….

    …An expert must be bold if he hopes to alchemize his homespun theory into conventional wisdom. His best chance of doing so is to engage the public’s emotions, for emotion is the enemy of rational argument. And as emotions go, one of them–fear–is more potent than the rest.– Freakonomics p. 148

    Ahh, I appreciate that the authors of Freakonomics agree that Gary Ezzo is scary. That upped my opinion of them significantly 😉 I was also happy to see that they have six children under the age of five, so they have some idea of what they’re talking about. 🙂
    Oh, and shortly after that quote, they said this

    …conventionally speaking, spanking is considered an unelightened practice. We might therefore assume that parents who spank are unenlightened in other ways — Freakonomics p. 171

    Bwahaha. 😛

  • Spare the rod

    I love reading different people’s perspectives on the rod verses. Even when they don’t all agree, I find that studying the verses and the interpretations of the verses is a great way to both reinforce and rethink my beliefs 🙂

    I am currently enjoying Heartfelt Discipline as one of my reads, so I thought I’d discuss his beliefs on the rod. As always, please buy the book if you want the details! It truly is excellent, even if I disagree with a few little parts 😉

    In his book, Clarkson talks about how he spanked and even fashioned his own paddle for a “rod” for his children. It didn’t feel right though. He says

    As much as I preferred other methods, I used the paddle for one reason only: I believed it was God’s ordained method of disciplining children. I didn’t want to be disobedient to God in my role as a father, and I certainly didn’t want to contribute to my children’s becoming rebels. And yet my spirit was deeply troubled every time I used the paddle. It didn’t seem to fit the character of God or be consistent with the nature of a loving parent. It didn’t seem to be proportional discipline for a young child. Neither did it seem to have sufficient biblical support. in short, it just didn’t seem right.

    He started to research it some more. In his research, he learned several things (buy the book if you want the hebrew word study! This is just an overview):

    1. The “child” in Proverbs 22:15, 23:13-14, and 29:15 (all of the “rod” verses except for one) is the hebrew word “naar”, which means a young adult… usually mid-teens – could be 16-24 according to Jewish rabbinical law. Naar was used to describe men such as Joseph when he was sold into slavery, David when he defeated Goliath, and Joshua when he scouted the lands. The only other rod verse applied to children (13:24) uses the word translated “son” (“ben”), and there is no need to assume this means anything other than a “naar”. All other rod verses refer to adult fools.
    2. The rod is literal, but not as most Christian parents use it

      The rod is an instrument of punishment and correction. It’s not a switch or a paddle or a dowel or a wooden spoon. If you accept the rod passages of Proverbs as a divine mandate for disciplining young children and you take those passages literally, you’ll find yourself beating your child with a heavy stick or branch.

      Preach on, brother! 😉

    3. Children are not the focus of these verses. These chapters are all about older teens who are to the point of deciding good and evil. Young children are not yet to that point. They are not yet believers and are expected to think like children.
    4. Proverbs are proverbs. They aren’t law. They should be read proverbially 😉

    Clarkson closes the chapter with this quote

    When I finally began to “spare the rod,” I naturally wondered about the biblical alternative to rod-based discipline. Answering that question has shown me not only a heart-oriented approach to discipline, but also a biblical relationship with my children. I was missing the relational part of discipline that would enable me to open and to win my children’s hearts; I was missing the biblical picture of discipline as a journey along a path with my children; and I was missing the life of the Holy Spirit in the discipline and training of my children.

    The link above goes to my previous article on the same topic 🙂

    Clarkson agrees that the rod was probably used on older children. Then again, as he also points out

    Should we use the rod on rebelious sons today? No, I think not… We are no longer bound to the Old Testament Law (for instance, we don’t stone rebellious sons). We are instead guided by the liberty and grace of the New Covenant, made possible by the shed blood of Jesus on our behalf… So should we be just as serious in dealing with rebellious sons as Solomon suggests? Yes, emphatically so! But we need to discipline our sons in light of the rest of Scripture, which was not available to Solomon. There is so much more to biblical discipline, as we will see in the chapters that follow, than what is found in a few passages in proverbs.

    And I shall write about those future chapters very soon 🙂

  • Children Inherit Higher IQ from Mom’s Brains, Not Her Milk – CME Teaching Brief® – MedPage Today

    Children Inherit Higher IQ from Mom’s Brains, Not Her Milk – CME Teaching Brief® – MedPage Today

    The mother’s IQ was a better predictor of whether she would breastfeed than race, education, age, poverty status, smoking, the home environment, or the child’s birth weight or birth order. One standard deviation increase in maternal IQ (15 points) more than doubled the odds that a woman would breastfeed her child.

    Hmm, well OK. You can’t argue with science, I suppose 🙂

    I guess this means that a Mensa meeting won’t be too different from a La Leche League meeting. 😉

  • Honor vs. Respect

    I am reading Turansky and Millers’ Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids right now for a reading group for homeschool moms that I joined, and I am really loving it so far.

    I have heard them speak before, and I loved the points that they made about honor vs. respect, so I want to chat about them!

    The Greek word often translated “respect” is phobos, from which we get the English word phobia. At its root, it means “to fear.” Respect is outward, focusing on a person’s position or the power of office. When only respect is emphasized in family life, it leads to outer conformity, false intimacy, and, eventually, distant relationships

    Wow, how many times have I seen that? Families focus on respect, and they end up with behaviors that, at least for a time, look respectful, but then they turn sour as the true heart is revealed in time.

    The Greek word that is often translated “honor” in the New Testament comes from timae which means “worth” or “value.” It’s one thing to respect (fear) God because of his tremendous power and greatness and another thing to honor (value) him because of those qualities.

    They mention that both honor and respect have their place, but we need to remember that we are told in Romans 12:10 to “Honor one another above yourselves.” This means “treating people as special, doing more than what’s expected, and having a good attitude (definition also from Turansky and Miller).” If we are teaching our children to honor rather than just respect, then it will go to a deeper level than mere behavior modification. Instead we are teaching their hearts.

    The goal of discipline is to help children not only act correctly, but also to think correctly and to become the people God made them to be. Honor addresses what’s going on below the surface and considers a child’s heart. When you teach children to change their hearts, you will see them make attitude adjustments, not just behavioral changes. You’ll get to the root of disobedience or immaturity, and you’ll help your children make lifelong changes.

    I can’t wait to move on to the next chapter!

    For today I am going to try to focus on honoring my husband and my children, and being a good model of honor.  I can already tell that this is an area that will need a significant amount of work in my life…  I’m looking forward to the journey.

  • Another proud moment

    Although my children are still very young, I am still awed when I get to see them growing into who they will become. Everytime something like this happens, it makes me feel a little tinge of what Sally Clarkson talks about in The Mission of Motherhood

    …As I pondered these thoughts, I was drawn back to the picture before me. How blessed I was to see that the kind of family I had dreamed of was indeed, by God’s grace, standing before me. Yet it had been years in the making, and the process had been fraught with challenges every step of the way… I had spent years praying and faithfully working to live out the dream that was in my heart… I had wondered if my dream would ever become a reality. But now I could see that… it was really happening.

    I am definitely not to the point in my kids lives (they’re 2 and 4!) where I could make quite the same declaration, but it is happening on a mini scale each day.

    This morning I was trying to get the house ready for yet another home showing. It is tedius and frustrating to try to keep the house perfect as we try to sell it, and last night I was so exhausted that I went to sleep with dishes in the sink and Lego’s on the floor. My kids are generally responsible for cleaning up their toys, and when there is a showing, my 4yo picks up the main level, the basement, and the bedrooms (on his own, without me asking) while I clean the kitchen and bathrooms. Then he vacuums all of the levels while I mop and then go behind him and vacuum anything he misses. He is such a sweetheart. As soon as he starts helping, my 2yo jumps right in.

    I was thinking about how sweet he is and how generous he is when it comes to helping me pick up my messes, so I decided this morning to pick up his Lego’s for him while breakfast cooked. He was in the other room playing, so I quietly grabbed the empty Lego box and threw a couple of pieces in. I guess I wasn’t quiet enough, because he ran in the room with another box, smiled at me, and started cleaning. My daughter saw him, and she ran in and started helping me too.

    Now, a few minutes later, breakfast is out and my house is cleaned up. My stress levels are way down, and a big part of it has to do with the fact that we are striving as a family to serve rather than be served. This is not a natural gifting for me in the least, so I think that makes it all the more special. Its just so cool to see your vision for your family as it becomes reality. Its amazing. God is so good.

  • The Beatitudes

    Matthew 5

    The Beatitudes

    1Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying:
    3“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
    4Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
    5Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
    6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
    7Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
    8Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
    9Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called sons of God.
    10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.11“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

    Confession time: I’ve never really gotten the Beatitudes. I mean, I understand them, but I don’t think I’ve really strived to live them. Much on the contrary, I’ve used the more to help myself feel better in bad times. For example, when I was mourning, I thought “‘Blessed are those who mourn’, so this isn’t totally a bad thing.” I did NOT think “‘Blessed are those who mourn.’ I should mourn more in my regular life!

    Right now I am reading through Dr. Teresa Whitehurst’s How Would Jesus Raise a Child, and her chapter on the Beatitudes is making me think. She says

    If you want to become more like Jesus as a person and a parent, the Beatitudes are a wise and easy place to begin.

    So then she gives some examples of the way Jesus lived the Beatitudes and the way that the world lives. She says, for example, that Jesus tells us that when you’re gentle (meek), not harsh with others, you will inherit the earth. The world’s view is “Show ’em who’s boss. You gotta be cruel to be kind.”, etc.

    OK, so I understand what she’s saying there. Like I said, I don’t think I’ve done much striving to live them, but I get her point. I’ve always thought more about the Love verses or the fruits of the Spirit, etc.

    Then she starts talking about exactly the same thing as Charlotte Mason. I discussed it in my Trains of Thought entry. She says that humans have a hard time with change and are actually immune to it. The same thing CM said! Go figure

    …it short-circuits our goals. We want to lose weight, but can’t seem to overcome our immunity to change in the area of eating habits. We want to be more patient with our toddler but our “immune system” kicks in, preventing us from trying a new, calmer method for handling fussiness.

    So now I’ve read this twice in two weeks. Maybe God is trying to tell me something 😛 She goes on to give a great example

    When I was getting used to my laptop, it took me several days to unlearn the placement of the keys on my familiar old desktop computer. Some moves were so ingrained that I actually had to cover certain keys with tape so as not to hit them accidentally, erasing my work each time! So it goes with the challenging internal changes for which Jesus promised blessings and rewards in the Beatitudes. They will require that we “tape over” certain habitual ways of thinking and behavior so that we can begin to learn and use what Jesus taught. It may feel awkward at first, but if you inhibit your usual ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, eventually you will find that Jesus’ teachings are not impossible to incorporate in your life after all.

    I like the way that she built on the same ideas as CM. I like her example. I’ve experienced the same thing with a new keyboard, and I’ve also experienced that same difficulty when trying to change a bad habit. The fact is that you get used to the new way of life if you just stick with it.

    This also reminded me of when I first bought my new glasses. My dh is going through the same thing right now, so I can really empathize. I have progressive lenses. I have the strongest prescription at the bottom for reading, a moderate prescription for mid-distance (like the computer), and hardly any prescription at all for distance. For the first week or two, I felt terrible with these glasses. I kept getting dizzy. I was getting stabbing pains in my brain. It seemed bad. Then one day I could see and my brain had figured out which part of the glasses to look through for different activities. Now I can’t live without them!

    I think I need to apply some of these same principles in my life.

    So the last point that I wanted to discuss is her interpretation of Matthew 5:48 (“You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect”. This is a tough verse. We know we can’t be perfect. That’s why we need God. So what gives?

    I used to worry about this instruction. Then, after further study, I realized that Jesus didn’t say, “So be as perfect as God.” To say this would be to imply that we are on equal footing with God, with equal powers of perfection. Rather, what Jesus was urging his listeners to do was to take his teachings seriously and strive towards the ideal that God represents.

    I’m off to digest this some more. I’m sure I’ll write about it again!

  • Watching over little hearts

    Proverbs 4:23 Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life.

    I’ve been going back through Heartfelt Discipline, and just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to discuss some of its ideas on here )

    In the first chapter of Heartfelt Discipline, Clay Clarkson discusses the above verse and where many parents go wrong in their attempt to watch over their children’s hearts.

    You have to buy the book if you want all of the greek word study >>” src=”http://www.hippiemommy.com/public_html_b2/rsc/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif” /> (not to mention the other 99% of the first chapter!) but let me sum it up for you enough so we can discuss it <img decoding=

    The words used in this verse for “watch over” are used to refer to ideas like guarding a facility or being a watchman on the walls. These are ideas that convey guarding what goes INTO the heart rather than OUT of the heart.

    Let’s say there are two kinds of parents: those who watch over what comes out of their child’s heart and mind, and those who watch over what goes into their child’s heart and mind. The first group is vigilant to restrain their child’s sin (what comes out of the chlid’s heart). They carefully watch over their child’s words and actions so as to catch the sin as soon as it appears. When the child sins, there is an immediate and usually negative response from the parents…

    …rather than obsessing over what comes out of a child’s heart, an advocate parent focuses on what goes into his or her heart. Such parenting is all about cultivating “good soil” that will receive the truth of the gospel. The parents’ role is to prepare a child’s heart to receive the seed of the Word of God that will “lead to salvation.”

    Yes! I love this. So many parenting gurus want you to focus on what is coming OUT of the heart. That misses the point entirely! If you only change what comes out of the heart, then you are never REACHING the heart!

    To a busy, frustrated parent, applying purely practical solutions to a spiritual problem might seem to “work”: It stops the negative behavior. But such practical “solutions” gloss over the real, spiritual problem. Parents can almost always exercise enough power over younger children to gain control over a behavioral problem. But what happens when the parents aren’t around to monitor and control the child’s wrong behavior? If the root cause hasn’t been addressed, then the behavior will continue.

    It is our job to guide our children and to help them stay on the narrow path. When they stray, we help them back on. It doesn’t stop there though, there must be something done at the heart level, not just a quick bandaid.

    You are a Godly guide… training and instructing them about how to walk this path in order to find life as God intended it to be. You are also warning them about the dangers that would lead them away from the path and correcting them when they stray from the path. This full, biblical picture of discipline reflects an ongoing heart-to-heart relationship in which you are patiently and lovingly guiding the child.

    Childhood discipline is a process, not a formula, a list of rules, or a set of laws. Childhood discipline is about relationship and instruction, about parents seeking God’s wisdom, walking in the power of the Holy Spirit, and trusting God.

    I understand why parents long for an easy “10 steps to a perfect Christian child”, but that’s not the way the Bible works. Think of all of the details that God gave when it came to eating, which clothes to wear, how to shave beards, and how to build houses. He wasn’t that way with raising children. There are a few verses spread throughout the Bible that leave a lot open to interpretation. As I blogged about before, the verses in Deuteronomy and 1 Thes. are probably some of the most desciptive, but they still have a lot of wiggle room.

    Hmm, lots to think about ) What a great first chapter!

  • Watching my children blossom

    I had a really cool experience today, and I wanted to share D

    I realize that most of you have never met my kids (or me!), but let me start by saying that my oldest, who is 4, is normally a very “easy” child. He is very complaint, tender, and big hearted. I am so thankful that God blessed me with him first, because he is such an example of child-like faith and trust. He’s not normally prone to anger… instead he shows his hurt (if only I could do that without masking my hurt with anger!). He has taught me so much already, and I look forward to all of the lessons that I know he’ll teach me as he grows.

    So, with that said, you’ll understand why today left me shocked.

    We went out to eat for dinner, and he needed to go potty. Long story short: someone was in the handicapped stall and he FREAKED out. He was SCREAMING. For some reason he wanted that stall, and he was screaching that the other potty was too small and it was a big ol’ mess. He wouldn’t pee, then he was screaming at the top of his lungs. I was pretty mortified, to be honest. We walked out of the bathroom and everyone was looking at me as if I had taken him in there for a beating! I was firm, but gentle. I did everything that normally calms him down, and yet when we left the restaurant, I was still scratching my head. I could not figure out why that set him off or why his response was so extreme.

    Now, on a different note, we’ve been working on a lot of the ideas in Jane Nelson’s Positive Discipline. One of those strategies is to talk to your children at night about what was their saddest and their happiest moment for the day. Because of ds’ personality, most nights he doesn’t even have a saddest moment. He is just that upbeat. The idea is that by talking about these little happy and sad moments now, we are building a relationship where these same ideas can be discussed later. While they are young, it is helpful because it addresses those “big feelings” before it can snowball.

    As I was tucking ds into bed tonight, before we had even gotten to the point where I ask him about his day, he blurted out that he needed to talk to me about his saddest time today. He then gushed all of the big feelings that he was having in the bathroom, and it made PERFECT sense why he was so upset. I would’ve been upset too! He told me some ideas that he had for better ways to handle it in the future, and I left his room beaming tonight.

    I can’t even express in words how beautiful it is to see not only our relationship blossom, but also to see him grow and be able to problem solve and learn from less desirable (or socially acceptable) behaviors. We all have moments where we handle a situation wrong, but to be able to internalize and then think of solutions is such a higher level of thought. I feel so blessed that I didn’t turn to shaming or punishing him for that behavior. Just like God allows us as adults to think and then learn from our mistakes, he was able to do the same (and of course this wasn’t a sinful situation). To see that model working in my son was wonderful. I’m so proud of him and the little man that he is becoming.

  • “…as a father would his own children”

    I’ve been thinking a lot about the way that we are to disciple our children as well as fellow believers. It has been an interesting study for me.

    I am amazed at the amount of parenting advice that we are given that talks about forcing external behaviors and training our children as if they are animals. That does not produce the love and respect it claims. That produces outward compliance and inner anger. It ignores the heart and goes against everything that we are taught as believers.

    1 Thess 2: 7 “We proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children, having thus a fond affection for you, we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become very dear to us….you are witnesses and so is God, how devoutly and uprightly and blamelessly we behaved toward you believers; just as you know how we were exhorting and encouraging and imploring each one of you as a father would his own children so that you may walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory.”

    Note that it doesn’t say “forcing you to do our will”. It says “exhorting and encouraging and imploring.” Isn’t that beautiful? What amazing imagery! Sadly I don’t think this is a trait that our nation has passed on to its fathers.

    Deuteronomy 6:6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

    This is how we disciple our children. This is how we teach them! We teach through our lives. We teach by telling them about God. We teach them by modeling a personal relationship with Christ. This is the way that God teaches us. Its the way that we teach other believers. It is “exhorting and encouraging and imploring.” What a beautiful cycle where everyone grows!

    That is the most amazing part for me. When I see an area in our house where we are having character issues, it is not just a problem with a certain family member. It is a reflection of issues that we all have. If I was just punishing them rather than discipling, then I would not have the chance to correct it in myself and seek God in that area. When we work on character rather than outward compliance, it forces us to look at ourselves and see where we are modelling the opposite of what we want. It pushes me into the scriptures and into prayer to seek God and what He has told me about a subject so that I can “impress them upon [my] children.” What an opportunity for growth!

    My kids have already taught me so many lessons. I have learned about selflessness, patience, unconditional love, innocence, having a tender spirit, trust, faith, and so much more. I am so glad that we are able to learn together ) I can’t imagine it any other way!

  • Does God punish us?

    Joe and I had the most amazing conversation last night about God’s character and how that translates into our marriage and our parenting. I’m hoping to do a couple of blog series on the stuff that we discussed because it was really awesome.

    The conversation started with a discussion of God’s character and whether or not God punishes us. The way that you answer this question not only changes the way that you look at God, but also the way you relate to Him, the way you talk to yourself and respond when you sin, and the way you respond to others when they sin. This is such an important topic, and its one that Christians are really wishy washy on…

    I believe we sometimes experience consequences of our sin, however I do not believe that God punishes us, especially after we repent and ask for forgiveness. When we are forgiven it is complete. There may be consequences that happen from our sin, but I do not believe that God actively punishes us.

    Hebrews 8:12For I will forgive their wickedness
    and will remember their sins no more.

    Hebrews 10:15The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First he says:
    16″This is the covenant I will make with them
    after that time, says the Lord.
    I will put my laws in their hearts,
    and I will write them on their minds.”[b] 17Then he adds:
    “Their sins and lawless acts
    I will remember no more.”[c] 18And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin.

    Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper,
    but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

    1 John 1:9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

    God teaches us by grace. He gives us grace and we respond. When we repent, we are forgiven.

    I think of how this applies in my life and how I often choose not to follow in God’s pattern. If I sin, I often want to do to myself what Satan would like for us to do: to isolate, tell myself that I am not worthy of love, and to hide in shame. I am basically putting myself in time out. I withdraw myself from those who love me and tell myself how terrible I am. This is not how God handles us at all! When we sin, we are supposed to do just the opposite. We should confess and be healed!

    James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

    The Christian community almost encourages outward “sinlessness” above heart change. I think that many of our marriage and parenting methodologies try to make everything pretty on the outside, and yet never address the heart.

    If I raise children that act perfect on the outside, but don’t have it in their heart, then I have failed! Why does the evangelical community (and our curriculums in particular) keep missing this fact?

    The focus on outward appearances has made generation after generation of Christians who do not want to admit their sin and who try to act as if they are perfect. We try to push this perfection on others. The problem is that it is superficial. It is not true. How much better off would the Christian community be if it were filled with believers who admitted their mistakes, tried to be better, and lived in grace?

    So why is it that we model to our children and to each other a completely different gospel? Why do we continue to punish ourselves, each other, and our children when that is not the way that God teaches us?

    I think that a lot of us are in fear that if our spouse, our friends, or our children are not “punished” when they admit sin to us, then they will have “gotten away” with what they did wrong. I am guilty of fearing this. The fact remains that this is NOT how God teaches us though. He does not make us pay when we confess our sin. He shows us grace.

    I’m off to think some more. Please feel free to share any thoughts )

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