This week I have been struck by how (unknowingly) dependent I have been on the opinions of my care providers. I like to think of myself as a pretty independent woman, and yet I’ve noticed that I keep thinking that I need to check with my midwife on things I already know.
My example for this week:
At GCM we are blessed with a wonderful retired midwife whose opinion I trust more than any doctor. She recommends a few supplements from time to time, and I decided to pick them up after she made some personal recommendations to me. I noticed that my first instinct was to jot down a note to ask my midwife if she approved. The more I thought about it, the more odd that I realized my thinking was. I knew my midwife would leave it up to me – she’s not the type to force her opinion. She will give me her thoughts if I ask for them, but it is not that I need her permission to do something.
I’m not sure how I got into a habit of not thinking for myself, because that is one of the last ways that I’d ever want to be described. It has happened though. Somehow I lost trust in myself and decided that I needed validation from “experts”. When I ask questions, I usually get responses that I already know, and yet I somehow have been desiring the comfort that comes from hearing my own thoughts coming at me from a more respected source. How bizarre!
Really… there is something very wrong.
Well you certainly aren’t alone!! I find myself depending on others less and less, but that line of thinking still crops up from time to time. I think it’s great that you are catching yourself on it!
Amanda,
Try not to judge yourself too harshly. I know for my DH, he spends all day making decisions and being the go-to guy for everything. When he gets home, he doesn’t want to make another decision about anything!
I think with mamas who are willing (eager?) to think outside the box of the mainstream default position, we feel like there is so much responsibility we hold for our families and we really take to heart the consequences of those decisions. We still want to feel like what we’re doing is okay – even if we know it is! I don’t know if that made any sense or not. *giggle*
Shannon