Last night I had a terrible nightmare that included one of my children being hurt. The thought of my children hurting is a million times worse than the thought of my own hurt. Even if I consider the possibility of my own death, the part that pains me the most is the pain that my children would feel.
So I awoke from my nightmare and started praying a drunkenly-tired prayer, which came out all wrong and only upset me more. I am terrible when I am sleepy. I know that lots of people do their best prayers at night, but I usually fall asleep trying. I try to tell myself that it is like drifting off asleep on the phone with someone you love, but I still feel a twinge of guilt for falling asleep to the almighty King. I checked on the kids and kissed them on their cheeks. Then I came back to bed and asked Joe to pray with me. My feeble attempt at a prayer had basically been one of protection. Joe started praying, and his was all about the will of God. I was struck by how his life experiences, including the death of his sister, have obviously given him a more mature perspective on prayer. He also prayed that God protect the kids, but his focus was just so different than my focus.
After his prayer, I fell asleep easily (and wasn’t crying anymore). I woke up this morning and decided finish Facing East by Frederica Mathewes-Green. I have learned so much from this book, and it has been great to get an insider’s view of orthodoxy. I’m still not convinced that it would ever be a fit for me, but I view orthodoxy very differently than I did before I started. I can also see how the desire for something more rooted and historical could lead a person to an Eastern Orthodox church. For me this desire has led to my Jewish roots, but I think that the basic desire for depth is the same.
In one of the chapters that I read today, she talks about what she will pray for in the upcoming year,
As C. S. Lewis says of the Christ-figure Aslan in the Narnia tales, “It’s not like he’s a tame lion.” All over the world, millions of times a day, people are praying, “Thy will be done.” And I think I can dispute that? Like, “Oh, I’m an exception.” If I’m stubborn enough, I can get my will done instead?
Isn’t it interesting that I was just thinking the same thing earlier today? It really is humbling. The truth is that if my dream were God’s will, then I’d have to accept it. I think I can get really sucked into our whole name-it-and-claim-it inspired brand of Christianity that does not reflect the truth of God’s character at all. I know many earnest Christians who did not want to die or be hurt and yet it still happened. Desire doesn’t change it. At least I can rest knowing that God knows best and that I do not need to fear. Letting go is a tough lesson though.
I was just random blogging and read your post. I can say I truly identify. Letting go is so hard to do… I find myself having to do it again and again because of my fears. My biggest fear is of something happening to one of my children. Trusting Him no matter what that means is something I have to commit to daily. They are His children- not mine anyway -He is just allowing me to enjoy them, and learn through raising them. He is in control and He wants what is best for us and our children – so that is comforting to me during my times of fear.
Matt. 7:9″Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
He wants to give us good gifts because He loves us. It is still in His power to choose what is best though. A friend of mine recently died of cancer. Before she passed away she was desperate and began attending a name-it-claim it church. No one knew how bad the cancer had gotten because she would only speak positively. We all believed what she said “I’m getting better, I’ve been healed….” We were totally shocked when we heard the news that she had died. Claiming things that God didn’t give us permission to claim is not Biblical. She still passed away and now I’m sure her 3 children are more confused than ever. She made a comment to our choir director that she didn’t want the choir of our church praying for her because we only believe in healing “if it’s God’s will” and she didn’t want that kind of prayers. What other kind of prayers are there? We aren’t in control down here no matter how much we claim it. What does that same pastor that taught her to claim her healing say to her family now?
Sorry, didn’t mean to get on a soap box – I was just meaning to agree with you that it’s easy for people to get sucked into that whole brand of Christianity – but to know the true character if God is much better. Name-it-claim it only leaves people empty and full of questions when their claim isn’t fulfilled. It’s really very sad. Thanks for your blog entry! I have enjoyed the way it has made me reflect. God Bless You and Your family.