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  • Protecting the Gift – Chapter 1

    I think this is a good book to start after reading about the MySpace story, although I must admit that I’m a bit freaked out after reading it. I’ll explain as I go.

    Mr. De Becker starts his book with a story of a mother and her 8-year-old daughter on a girls night out to dinner and a movie. Without giving away the story, the mom senses danger and doesn’t listen to her intuition. The man who originally made her uncomfortable later attempts to assault them. She fights back and protects herself. And so the book starts…

    To tap into this resource, to reinvest in our intuition, to know how to avoid danger, to know, for example, whom to keep our children away from, we must listen to internal warnings while they are still whispers. The voice that knows all about how to protect children may not always be the loudest, but it is the wisest.

    This hit me immediately. There is only 1 time that I really recall that feeling. It was at the Christmas Eve service this past year at our church, and the man who was watching my daughter’s class creeped me out. There’s no walls in there, and all of the other classes could hear everything, so I decided to let her stay. It was the first time that she stayed the whole way through. I went in and checked on her a few times without him seeing me, and she seemed fine, but I still had that uneasy feeling. I thought I was doing the right thing by checking on her, but now I wonder…

    …when it comes to predicting violence and protecting children, I submit that you already know most of what you need to know. You have the wisdom of the species, and the expert voice that matters most is yours. Yet, society has trained us to believe that we don’t know the answers, that professionals know what’s best and that good parents listen to them. As a result, we have come to believe that we can find certainty outside ourselves. We won’t, of course, but we can find the illusion of certainty, particularly if that’s what we’re willing to settle for.

    This is a bit of a theme around here, eh? I couldn’t agree any more!

    He then talks about how adults know dangers before they have children, but after children are born, we end up with a list so long it needs an index. Things that used to seem safe like doors, yarn, and pencils are now dangerous indeed. Young parents recognize them and can scan a room for these dangers. Its a natural instinct.

    As our kids get older, it can seem more difficult to know what is safe and what is not.

    The search for certainty starts and ends within yourself–for example, every time you are open to receive information about your daughter’s new boyfriend, conclude he’s okay, and then don’t torture yourself while she’s out on a date.

    Ooh, I know that’ll be tough for me. I’m a big second guesser. As I type this, I’m still wondering about that man who taught the Christmas Eve 2-year-old class, and I don’t even attend that church anymore.

    So Gavin (which is easier to write than “Mr. De Becker”) goes on to say that if we meet with a parent and decide to allow our son to stay at their house, then we should trust our instincts that they won’t drive our kids home drunk, for example.

    If you think the dad might drive drunk, there’s probably a reason you think it, and it’s worth exploring for a moment. If you think there might be a collection of unsecured guns at their home, your hesitation makes sense. You see, it’s one thing to never get a warning about some risk to our children; it’s quite another to get a signal and then ignore it… You may conclude on further consideration that your hesitation wasn’t called for–but you can give at least a brief consideration to every signal…

    Its so hard to know which ones to listen to and which ones to let go! Especially if you’re like me and border on the anxious side -/

    Then we get the first of our difficult-to-swallow-but-good-to-know statistics:

    …throughout history, half of all children failed to reach adulthood. Half. The odds are far better for children in America today, but the truth remains that childhood is safe only when adults make it so.

    (

    If you are a woman with a young child, you’ll learn in these pages that it is you and not your child who is most often the predatory prize, you who are more likely to attract violence, and you must know what it looks like.

    I know that feeling. I had it just yesterday. Please note, I am not at all saying in this story that how a woman dresses means that men will attack her!

    Yesterday I had to run to the supermarket. We needed a few quick things. I spent the day cleaning and painting, and we live in a town where most people do not have air conditioning. We don’t have central A/C. I had on a hippie top that criss-crosses in the back (so its an open back) and a while tiered skirt that borders on see-through. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere, but I didn’t feel sleazy either.

    So I went to the store, felt fine, and as I was walking out there was a man who walked out behind me. I could feel him looking at me. I started walking faster and he did too. He made a bit of a whistle, so I sped up some more. He made another sound and I reached my car and he had turned another direction. That was the first time in a few months that I had felt that feeling – a feeling that I often felt in my teens – and I was a bit shaken by it.

    I get the same feeling on this one section of trail if I go jogging, and as a result I’ve stopped jogging there. Its heavily wooded and below a highway, so no one would hear if something went wrong. I understand the need to listen to that inner voice, but sometimes I ignore it. And now I’m feeling guilty about that guy on Christmas Eve again

    So then, just in time, Gavin talks about how worrying is bad. Worry keeps you focused on the wrong things and then you end up missing the real thing. OK, OK, I hear ya…

    Then he talks about an example of a conversation with the kind of person who likes to deny things

    “You’re so right,” the denier says, “sexual abuse is an enormous problem, particularly for young teens. Thank God mine aren’t there yet.”
    No, sorry, says reality, the most common age at which sexual abuse begins is three.

    WHAT?! '(

    “Well, sure, if you have homosexuals around small children, there’s a risk.”
    No, sorry, says reality, nearly 100 percent of sexual abuse is committed by heterosexual males.
    “Yeah, but that kind of pervert isn’t living in our neighborhood.”
    Sorry, says reality, but that kind of pervert is living in your neighborhood. The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that on average, there is one child molester per square mile.
    “Well, at least the police know who those people are.”
    Not likely, says reality, since the average child molester victimizes between thirty and sixty children before he is ever arrested.

    Now I want to throw up. Seriously. I want to throw up. 3?! 30 to 60 kids?! I’m glad I know this, but it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’ve known that the stats were 1-in-3 women and 1-in-6 men who are molested or raped, and this is something I’ve thought about. I’ve thought about the odds. I’m a numbers kind of girl, y’know? I was a math major. If I have 4 kids, that makes it highly likely that someone would be assaulted. If not, then some family is getting a larger-than-average amount of abuse, which also saddens me. I don’t know. Numbers can be bad sometimes.

    I like what he says next though

    …the solution to violence in America is not more laws, more guns, more police, or more prisons. The solution to violence is acceptance of reality.
    From there, you can hear the messengers of intuition. From there, you can evaluate risk and organize defenses. Reality is the highest ground you can find–and the safest–because from there you can see what’s coming.

    …Taking deep breaths… OK.

    He closes the chapter with great thoughts about our society and how we respond in fear. I really recommend reading it.

    As I go to bed tonight, I might need to pray a little extra. I always prefer knowledge to denial, but sometimes it takes me a little while to process. Candice and I were talking about something similar the other day. I had listened to the Compassionate Cooks podcast on dairy farming and we talked about the horrors that those animals live through. She had no idea and didn’t really want to know. The fact is that it happens whether you know or not. If you know, then you can act. That is truly living.

  • Protecting our children on the internet

    FOXNews.com – MySpace Teen Returns From Middle East

    This story really caught my eye. My kids are only 2 and 4, but my dh and I have already had some pretty heated discussions about what we will or won’t allow our kids to do on the Internet. Its tough to plan too much, since we have no idea what the technology will be like by then, but its still good to think about.

    So this 16-year-old “tricked” her parents into getting a passport and tried to fly to Israel to meet a man she met on myspace. His profile claims that he is 25 years old. The FBI traced her to a flight on its way to Jordan and convinced her to return home.

    I have a lot of questions here, and I really want to learn from her parents mistakes.

    When I was a teenager, I had several adult men who met me online. I was foolish and gave out too much information (my work, my high school, my name) and some of them found me. One started stalking me at work and around town. He’d email me about what I was wearing, and I had no idea what he looked like. I ended up meeting him because we had a common friend, and he was almost 30 when I was 17. It was stupid.

    I had another online friend in college, and another one who was a youth pastor (near 30). I met the youth pastor at a concert by chance, and I sent pictures to the college student. I don’t know what (if anything) my parents should’ve done. The internet was very new, but they did most things right – the computer was in the family room, they checked my email ( they asked who I was talking to. I wonder what I can do to protect my children so something similar doesn’t happen to them.

    I know my parents never would’ve gone for getting me a passport at 16 I was a high-school graduate and in college by that point, but they still wouldn’t have done that. I did get my passport at 17, just before my junior year of college, to go to Ireland on a mission trip, but I think that’s different since I had already been living on my own.

    Even though it made me mad when I was a teen, I think I’ll probably snoop on my kids like my parents snooped on me I’m about to read (and hopefully discuss on here) Protecting the Gift by Gavin De Becker, so I hope it’ll help me flesh out my ideas )

  • Blogrolling?

    Could someone please comment or email me and explain why in the world everyone uses blogrolls… I have a perfectly nice linking system, and yet I’ve noticed that there is a bit of a sub-cultural issue where people only want to link to me if I blogroll link to them I’m feeling blackmailed What makes it so great?! Is it seriously worth it? Will you blogroll me if I blogroll you?

  • Holy Mucous, Batman!

    http://milksucks.com/

    Obviously I have known milk’s faults for many moons now. My son is severely allergic, so I know every food with milk, every restaurant with a “clean” kitchen, and all of the reasons to avoid milk. Even still, I wanted to be able to eat cheese when I went out to eat -/ I have been SO stubborn about getting rid of it in my diet, even though I already cook dairy-free meals for my family.

    About a week ago I finally made the plunge into veganism. As soon as I cut out milk, I stopped waking up with a stuffy nose and/or a migraine! Its not like I didn’t know that milk can cause stuffiness, so why am I surprised? It is so great to wake up with clean sinuses! Who knew?! This is way better than any bowl of ice cream!

    So, if you’re unsure, give it a try! Its not that bad!

    Oh, and you know what the best part is? I can kiss my son and not worry that I have some leftover milk on my lips that will make him break out

  • Skin switching

    I decided to switch my skin for a little while. The old layout looked too fall-ish for me, but I’ll probably bring it back (or something similar) after summer is over ;)

  • “Lafayette Oatmeal Day” Raspberry Bars

    This was listed in our local paper as the recipe of the week. The article says that you can use any jam or preserve. I had some cherry jam here and it turned out great!

    2 1/2 cups Quaker Quick cooking oatmeal (I used regular though)
    2 1/2 cups flour
    Pinch salt
    3/4 cup sugar
    1 1/2 cups melted butter (I used earth balance to make this casein-free)
    1 1/2 teaspoons Mexican vanilla (I omitted due to an allergy in the family)
    1 12-ounce jar of raspberry preserves of the highest quality you can get
    2 tablespoons Chambord liqueur, or water if you prefer

    Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Grease a 13x9x2 baking pan. Combine oats, flour, salt and sugar. Add melted butter and vanilla to dry ingredients. Combine until crumbly. Put about 3 cups of the oatmeal mixture into the bottom of your pan and press it down. Mix together the liqueur or water along with the preserves/jam. Spread the jam mixture over the oatmeal mixture. Sprinkle the remaining oatmeal mixture on top of the preserves and press it down to make it even. Bake 18-23 minutes or until the top is very brown. Cool on rack and cut into bars. Store in an airtight container.

  • Being near without crowding my children

    As an AP parent, I think I am constantly trying to figure out the balance between being there for my kids vs. crowding my kids and not giving them a chance to explore and grow on their own. I start to feel guilty if I am not interacting with them at all times, and yet I know that they really benefit from time to just explore and learn. This passage from “Home Education” made me smile because it includes a pretty good description of our day. I am often knitting, reading, cross-stitching, ect., while they play outside. I sit on the patio and watch them as they play, but I sometimes feel guilty as though I should be directing their play more. This passage gave me a little extra persmission to relax )

    Oh, and I initially read it as though she was saying that the mom should “check” the childrens attempts to discuss, but she’s actually talking about checking the MOTHERS attempts. Duh.

    There are few things sweeter and more precious to the child than playful prattle with her mother; but one thing is better–the communing with the larger Mother, in order to which the child and she should be left to themselves. This is, truly, a delightful thing to watch: the mother reads her book or knits her sock, checking all attempts to make talk; the child stares up into a tree, or down into a flower–doing nothing, thinking of nothing; or leads a bird’s life among the branches, or capers about in aimless ecstasy;–quite foolish, irrational doings, but, all the time a fashioning is going on: Nature is doing her part, with the vow–

    “This child I to myself will take:
    She shall be mine, and I will make
    A lady of my own.” [Wordsworth]

  • Queen Bees and Wannabes…

    I came to a disturbing revelation today.

    I was a queen bee.

    As I was browsing through the library, I saw a copy of Rosalind Wiseman’s Queen Bees and Wannabes, which made me very excited, because I’ve been wanting to read it for years. I remember when she was first on the Oprah show, and I was completely fascinated. I couldn’t wait to read the book and hate all of the Queen Bees.

    Then once I started reading, I realized that my school life was split right down the middle. From 3rd until 7th grade, I attended a small private school. We moved in 8th grade, and I went to public school from then until I was done with high school.

    In high school I was definitely not a Queen Bee. Our school was far too big to contain just one Queen Bee anyways. After reading all of Ms. Wiseman’s classifications, I think I was a “Floater” in high school. I had a lot of friends, including popular friends, but I was neither here nor there. I think I fit her description of

    You can usually spot this girl because she doesn’t associate with only one clique. She has friends in different groups and can move freely among them.

    She goes on to describe the floater as being nothing extraordinary… not the prettiest, but pretty; not the smartest, but smart… I definitely wasn’t a “target”, wasn’t under a Queen Bee, and wasn’t a “wannabe” (since I can’t even figure out who the Queen Bee was in our school), so “Floater” makes the most sense.

    So then the disturbing part came for me. I was still trying to figure out where I fit in middle school. I was reading the Queen Bee description, and thinking how she sounded like a royal *****. Then I realized how much of it was me.

    • Her friends do what she wants to do
    • She isn’t intimidated by any other girl in her class
    • You have to convince her to invite everyone to her birthday party
    • She can argue anyone down, including friends, peers, teachers, and parents
    • She can make another girl feel “anointed” by declaring her a special friend
    • She won’t (or is very reluctant to) take responsibility when she hurts someone’s feelings
    • If she thinks she’s been wronged, she feels she has the right to seek revenge

    I feel like such an ass. How did I not realize this? As soon as I thought about it, a million things flooded back that proved this – things that I’d be embarassed to share. I am certainly not this way anymore, but this is a short list of things that I have had to work on in my life. These were the main issues that even plagued my relationships with men when I was younger – especially the part about not wanting to take responsibility when hurting someone.

    Then I flipped back to where Ms. Wiseman says when speaking of the Queen Bee claiming that she is in a clique, but it is not mean

    …she honestly believes what she’s saying…

    So I did the only logical thing: I called people who knew me back then. Guess what they said when I asked them what I was… Yep, a Queen Bee.

    I guess I can be thankful that I was knocked off of that rank when I was young. At least I wasn’t that way all the way through. Queen Bees can change, right?

    So have any of you read the book? If so, what role did you fall into? Was it the same all the way through?

  • Outside time

    Sorry for the delay in entries! Last Monday night I prayed that God would help me balance my time. When I woke up Tuesday, my computer was dead -/ Lucky me, eh? I’m blogging this from my dh’s computer…

    Today, during my massive amounts of time thanks to my lack of computer, I read some more in Home Education. It was pretty chilly this morning (in the 30s when we were out there), but with a jacket and if we stayed in the sun, it was really quite comfortable. I found a nice spot on the grass and started reading. This is my quote for the day

    Mental Training of a Child Naturalist.–Consider, too, what an unequalled mental training the child-naturalist is getting for any study or calling under the sun–the powers of attention, of discrimination, of patient pursuit, growing with his growth, what will they not fit him for? Besides, life is so interesting to him, that he has no time for the faults of temper which generally have their source in ennui; there is no reason why he should be peevish or sulky or obstinate when he is always kept well amused.

    (Ennui = A feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction arising from lack of interest; boredom.)

    I really loved this quote. It is so true that my kids only get “peevish… sulky… obstinate” when they are stuck inside or doing things that are not meant for children (without any time in the day for childish things). When children are left to explore, learn, and interact with the world in their own way, they do amazingly. As Charlotte says elsewhere

    Overpressure.–A great deal has been said lately about the danger of overpressure, of requiring too much mental work from a child of tender years. The danger exists; but lies, not in giving the child too much, but in giving him the wrong thing to do, the sort of work for which the present state of his mental development does not fit him. Who expects a boy in petticoats to lift half a hundredweight? But give the child work that Nature intended for him, and the quantity he can get through with ease is practically unlimited. Whoever saw a child tired of seeing, of examining in his own way, unfamiliar things? This sort of mental nourishment for which he has an unbounded appetite, because it is that food of the mind on which, for the present, he is meant to grow.

    So true. So true. I was just telling my mom the same thing the other day. It is amazing to me that this has been written for so long, and yet the “modern” educational system seems to miss this. As I look to my left and right and see parents who are so concerned if their 3-year-olds are not yet in formal preschool, it makes me roll my eyes. How much more are my children learning just from playing in the grass, investigating nature, playing with water, painting the things they see, and being normal kids? Why take that away? Will your children really be better off because they had a few extra years of workbooks? I doubt it.

  • The punitive mindset

    Although I have spent plenty of time trying to explain it, I still find that many of my friends (the non-GBD kind) don’t see how coming from a punitive mindset changes everything about their discipline, even if the actions that they take are very similar to those of us who practice grace-based discipline.

    Last night I finished Crystal Lutton’s Biblical Parenting, and I felt that she concluded with a great discussion of this point. Here she is using the example of a teenager who is about to get her license.

    A healthy boundary for a parent to set with regards to their vehicle is that no one without insurance may drive their car. Tell your daughter in advance, perhaps at a famliy meeting, what will happen if she doesn’t keep up the insurance payments. I suggest that she not be allowed to drive your car without insurance. If she misses a payment, take her license and keys. When she catches up on the premiums, return them. This is not punitive. It is logic an adolescent can follow, and it prevents the natural consequence of being in an accident without insurance or a ticket for the same, and your daughter knows the consequences beforehand. This same action would be punitive if done reactively. If you’ve never discussed what will happen if she doesn’t keep up the premiums, it’s punitive to enter her room and demand her keys. Everything within the window needs to be proactive, not reactive.

    That makes perfect sense, right? The behavior of the parents can change whether their actions are punitive or not. Its not just what you do… its how you do it.

    In the above quote, Crystal also references her “window” which I thought was a great visual for showing how we are to react to our children in a way that is neither permissive nor punitive. I wish she had it online (she may, but I can’t find it), because I’d love to discuss it, but it’d be hard without the pictures.

    Now that I’m done with the book, let me say that I truly enjoyed it. I would love it if our small group could study it. My only comment/concern is that I honestly don’t know that many of the men of the group could handle it in Chapter 2 when Crystal says (in speaking of how gender roles and the role of community has changed)

    Because of this ever-increasing reliance on a husband to help in parenting the baby and young child, men’s ideas on how to parent children of this age have become more pronounced and are often seen as the “expert” advice. However, it is the woman who has been designed and called by God to parent these young people and, while the help of a husband/father is vital in our culture today, the man would be wise to follow his wife’s lead during these early years.

    I totally, absolutely, completely see where she’s coming from, but I know that the military men in our group would piss their pants when they read that. If it was later in the book, I think that we could have a great discussion, but I think that the fact that it is so close to the front means that they wouldn’t even go on. I am sure that was not her intention at all, and they’d see that if they kept reading, but I don’t think they’d ever touch the book again

    I’m hoping that our current group book Families Where Grace Is In Place will be enough of a gateway that we could later do Crystal’s book D

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