Category: Pregnancy

As I mentioned a few entries ago, hearing the heartbeat has made me much more focused.  Today I decided to resume my reading of Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth.  I got to the part where she talks about the fact that many women have excessive bleeding when they deliver the placenta, and my whole body tensed up.  I was pretty impressed that I noticed it, but freaked out that it not only scared me but also created a physical response.  Just a few paragraphs later I saw this

Remember this, for it is as true as true gets: Your body is not a lemon.  You are not a machine.  The Creator is not a careless mechanic.  Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo.  Even if it has not been your habit throughout your life so far, I recommend that you learn to think positively about your body.

This is the core of it.  I am afraid that my body doesn’t work as well as it is supposed to.  Things have happened, and even if many were the result of interventions and modern science, it still rattles me a bit.  I said from the beginning that my biggest challenge would be in trusting my body and relaxing during the birth.  If I can relax and trust in peace, then I know I will be fine.  I’m just not exactly sure how to get there.

On a related note, I have recently realized how much I hold my stress in my body.  My yoga teacher commented last week that my shoulders were super tense.  I’ve been having a lot of migraines, and they always “sit” in my shoulders.  I am working so hard on relaxing my body, but its tricky.  Who knew that controlling your own body could be so challenging?

I had a wonderful appointment with my midwife today, and we heard my baby’s heartbeat.  The kids were so excited.  It was such a joyous moment.  On the way home my son said “I like listening to the baby, mom.”

Me too.  I like it a lot.
I was almost this far along when we lost our first baby.  During all 3 pregnancies since the loss, I have become very nervous before hearing the heartbeat.  For the past week or so I have felt like my general anxiety levels were much higher, although I couldn’t put my finger on it.  After hearing the heartbeat, I realized  that this fear was causing my stress.  It melted away.  Even though I know that I didn’t cause my miscarriage, it still haunts me in many ways, and I guess this is one of them.

So I am now letting myself plan for our new baby.   I didn’t realize how much I was holding back until after I heard the heartbeat.  Now it is really hitting me.  There is so much to plan – so much to do.  I almost feel like I am starting over.  I keep remembering things I need: “Oh yeah, I need to grab the cloth diapers.  Where are my newborn clothes?  Do I still have a baby bath?  Has my Lansinoh expired? …. ”

Last night I went to a water aerobics class for pregnant and postpartum women, and there was a lady in there who had just given birth 7 weeks ago.  She was nervous and asking to borrow a cell phone because the baby was home with her husband.  When I looked at her face, all of those “new mom” emotions flooded back to me.  I can’t believe its all about to happen again.

Crazy.

I’m telling you what: I’m getting crazier by the year. Until a year ago when one of my dearest friends announced that she was having a home-birth-after-Cesarean (HBAC), I never would’ve even considered a homebirth. That experience really changed me though. It changed what I thought labor and delivery had to be. It made me question my thoughts that my history predicted the future. I had been stuck in a Dr. Phil “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior” mantra, and that one experience made me question my thoughts and ideas.

So I’ve been interviewing midwives, and I picked one today. I am really excited. I’m a little nervous, but not afraid… just excited and aware that I don’t even get yet how different my prenatal care is going to be. It has already been so much less stressful. I haven’t had to fight for the little things that made the OB flip out. I am able to share information instead of just sit there, nod my head, and be told that I am ignorant. It is really empowering.

So I’m sure I’ll be talking about this a lot in the next 7-8 months or so. I just had to add a pregnancy category to my blog. I guess that shows how much I wasn’t really expecting to do this again. 😉 I’m excited.

As I’m sure you could’ve guessed – I am reading a book on pregnancy and midwives now. I’m so predictable.