Attachment Parenting

This week I have been struck by how (unknowingly) dependent I have been on the opinions of my care providers. I like to think of myself as a pretty independent woman, and yet I’ve noticed that I keep thinking that I need to check with my midwife on things I already know.

My example for this week:

At GCM we are blessed with a wonderful retired midwife whose opinion I trust more than any doctor. She recommends a few supplements from time to time, and I decided to pick them up after she made some personal recommendations to me. I noticed that my first instinct was to jot down a note to ask my midwife if she approved. The more I thought about it, the more odd that I realized my thinking was. I knew my midwife would leave it up to me – she’s not the type to force her opinion. She will give me her thoughts if I ask for them, but it is not that I need her permission to do something.

I’m not sure how I got into a habit of not thinking for myself, because that is one of the last ways that I’d ever want to be described. It has happened though. Somehow I lost trust in myself and decided that I needed validation from “experts”. When I ask questions, I usually get responses that I already know, and yet I somehow have been desiring the comfort that comes from hearing my own thoughts coming at me from a more respected source. How bizarre!

Really… there is something very wrong.

As I mentioned a few entries ago, hearing the heartbeat has made me much more focused.  Today I decided to resume my reading of Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth.  I got to the part where she talks about the fact that many women have excessive bleeding when they deliver the placenta, and my whole body tensed up.  I was pretty impressed that I noticed it, but freaked out that it not only scared me but also created a physical response.  Just a few paragraphs later I saw this

Remember this, for it is as true as true gets: Your body is not a lemon.  You are not a machine.  The Creator is not a careless mechanic.  Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo.  Even if it has not been your habit throughout your life so far, I recommend that you learn to think positively about your body.

This is the core of it.  I am afraid that my body doesn’t work as well as it is supposed to.  Things have happened, and even if many were the result of interventions and modern science, it still rattles me a bit.  I said from the beginning that my biggest challenge would be in trusting my body and relaxing during the birth.  If I can relax and trust in peace, then I know I will be fine.  I’m just not exactly sure how to get there.

On a related note, I have recently realized how much I hold my stress in my body.  My yoga teacher commented last week that my shoulders were super tense.  I’ve been having a lot of migraines, and they always “sit” in my shoulders.  I am working so hard on relaxing my body, but its tricky.  Who knew that controlling your own body could be so challenging?

I had a wonderful appointment with my midwife today, and we heard my baby’s heartbeat.  The kids were so excited.  It was such a joyous moment.  On the way home my son said “I like listening to the baby, mom.”

Me too.  I like it a lot.
I was almost this far along when we lost our first baby.  During all 3 pregnancies since the loss, I have become very nervous before hearing the heartbeat.  For the past week or so I have felt like my general anxiety levels were much higher, although I couldn’t put my finger on it.  After hearing the heartbeat, I realized  that this fear was causing my stress.  It melted away.  Even though I know that I didn’t cause my miscarriage, it still haunts me in many ways, and I guess this is one of them.

So I am now letting myself plan for our new baby.   I didn’t realize how much I was holding back until after I heard the heartbeat.  Now it is really hitting me.  There is so much to plan – so much to do.  I almost feel like I am starting over.  I keep remembering things I need: “Oh yeah, I need to grab the cloth diapers.  Where are my newborn clothes?  Do I still have a baby bath?  Has my Lansinoh expired? …. ”

Last night I went to a water aerobics class for pregnant and postpartum women, and there was a lady in there who had just given birth 7 weeks ago.  She was nervous and asking to borrow a cell phone because the baby was home with her husband.  When I looked at her face, all of those “new mom” emotions flooded back to me.  I can’t believe its all about to happen again.

Crazy.