Pregnancy

I had a wonderful appointment with my midwife today, and we heard my baby’s heartbeat.  The kids were so excited.  It was such a joyous moment.  On the way home my son said “I like listening to the baby, mom.”

Me too.  I like it a lot.
I was almost this far along when we lost our first baby.  During all 3 pregnancies since the loss, I have become very nervous before hearing the heartbeat.  For the past week or so I have felt like my general anxiety levels were much higher, although I couldn’t put my finger on it.  After hearing the heartbeat, I realized  that this fear was causing my stress.  It melted away.  Even though I know that I didn’t cause my miscarriage, it still haunts me in many ways, and I guess this is one of them.

So I am now letting myself plan for our new baby.   I didn’t realize how much I was holding back until after I heard the heartbeat.  Now it is really hitting me.  There is so much to plan – so much to do.  I almost feel like I am starting over.  I keep remembering things I need: “Oh yeah, I need to grab the cloth diapers.  Where are my newborn clothes?  Do I still have a baby bath?  Has my Lansinoh expired? …. ”

Last night I went to a water aerobics class for pregnant and postpartum women, and there was a lady in there who had just given birth 7 weeks ago.  She was nervous and asking to borrow a cell phone because the baby was home with her husband.  When I looked at her face, all of those “new mom” emotions flooded back to me.  I can’t believe its all about to happen again.

Crazy.

I’m telling you what: I’m getting crazier by the year. Until a year ago when one of my dearest friends announced that she was having a home-birth-after-Cesarean (HBAC), I never would’ve even considered a homebirth. That experience really changed me though. It changed what I thought labor and delivery had to be. It made me question my thoughts that my history predicted the future. I had been stuck in a Dr. Phil “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior” mantra, and that one experience made me question my thoughts and ideas.

So I’ve been interviewing midwives, and I picked one today. I am really excited. I’m a little nervous, but not afraid… just excited and aware that I don’t even get yet how different my prenatal care is going to be. It has already been so much less stressful. I haven’t had to fight for the little things that made the OB flip out. I am able to share information instead of just sit there, nod my head, and be told that I am ignorant. It is really empowering.

So I’m sure I’ll be talking about this a lot in the next 7-8 months or so. I just had to add a pregnancy category to my blog. I guess that shows how much I wasn’t really expecting to do this again. 😉 I’m excited.

As I’m sure you could’ve guessed – I am reading a book on pregnancy and midwives now. I’m so predictable.