Parenting and Family Books

Honor: is it a matter of being people oriented vs. task oriented?

October 12, 2006 by amanda Leave a Comment

As I’ve mentioned, I am reading Turansky and Miller’s Say Goodbye right now, so I wanted to keep talking about it 🙂

In Say Goodbye, there is an overwhelming theme that includes the idea that honor does more than what is expected. I really like this definition of honor, because I think it would be very easy to teach children (and adults!) I’ve been working on expressing honor in my life, and I hope that my positive example will be the first way that I teach my kids about honor. Reading this book has shown me a lot of places where we are honorable (and a lot of places that are lacking in honor.)

I am a very task-oriented person. I like checklists. I like accomplishing things. I do not like to dillydaddle. Hanging around and doing stuff that is not required is a pretty difficult thought to wrap my brain around. Its not that I want to skimp on things, its just that I want finish it completely and move on to the next task. I like to get things done.

This is pretty much the opposite of what Turansky and Miller are suggesting we should do in order to honor each other. Honor is all about doing something extra. This is a very people-oriented line of thought. This has made me think.

I am assuming that their approach will be much easier to put into action if your children are people oriented. If your kids naturally want to please, want to be around people, and want to focus on people, then I think it’ll be easy to teach them to take that next step. My son, for example, naturally does much of what is in the book. Its his personality. My dh is the same way. My dd and I do not naturally gravitate towards those types of ideas. We want to finish and move on.

I guess what I’m trying to figure out is if that is really wrong. I am trying to think of ways for my dd and I to use our own natural inclinations to still show honor. I am sure it is possible. It just hasn’t really been covered a whole lot. Or maybe honor will just be more difficult for us? It won’t come as naturally as it does for some? Hmmm. Lots to consider.

Equal is Less

October 6, 2006 by amanda 1 Comment

I am in Chapter 4 of Siblings Without Rivalry, and she is bringing up some more very interesting points. They are well worth discussing, IMHO 😉

I told them all the story of the young wife who suddenly turned to her husband asked, “Who do you love more? Your mother or me?” Had he answered, “I love you both the same,” he would have been in big trouble. But instead he said, “My mother is my mother. You’re the fascinating, sexy woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

I wonder if this story is real 😉 Either way, its a good answer.

“To be loved equally,” I continued, “is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely — for one’s own special self — is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.”

I wish to continue in this line of thought.

To meet our children’s needs is far better than trying to even everything out. Not only is that impossible, but its also not realistic. That’s not how life works. She gives examples of kids who are complaining that their sibling’s pancakes were bigger. Rather than trying to even it out, she suggests asking if they are still hungry and then either giving them another or making extra for them the next time. It doesn’t have to be equal to be fair.

Similarly you don’t need to spend 10 minutes with each child. Instead what is needed is to meet the child’s needs at that time. If they need 5 minutes, then fine. If they need 15, that’s fine too. It lets them know that you’ll be there when they need you, and you don’t need to force extra time or cut it short in order to be fair.

She then addresses whether or not we must love our children equally. Obviously this is a tough subject. Just like the above example of the young wife, it is important that we look for the best in all of our children, even if we have a natural connection with one child.

Would it help… to tell yourself that it isn’t necessary to respond to each child with equal passion, and that it’s perfectly normal and natural to have different feelings towards different children? The only thing that is necessary is that we take another look at the less favored child, seek out her specialness, then reflect the wonder of it back to her. That’s all we can ask of ourselves, and all the children need of us. By valuing and being partial to each child’s individuality, we make sure that each of our children feels like a number one child.

This is what I have always strived to do, and I think it is because I had excellent modeling from my parents. We openly admit that in our family there are certain members who have more of a spark together, but that we still love each other in our own special ways. For example, my mother is one of my best friends, and throughout my life that has been true. Although she and I are chattier and do more things together, my dad and I have a soul connection. There is a depth there that I can’t even explain with words. My brother is the opposite way. He’s friends with my dad, but his deep connection is with my mom. I don’t feel like either of them favor either of us. They just love us differently 🙂

I pray that I’ll be able to show my kids the same thing.

Honor vs. Respect

October 4, 2006 by amanda 1 Comment

I am reading Turansky and Millers’ Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids right now for a reading group for homeschool moms that I joined, and I am really loving it so far.

I have heard them speak before, and I loved the points that they made about honor vs. respect, so I want to chat about them!

The Greek word often translated “respect” is phobos, from which we get the English word phobia. At its root, it means “to fear.” Respect is outward, focusing on a person’s position or the power of office. When only respect is emphasized in family life, it leads to outer conformity, false intimacy, and, eventually, distant relationships

Wow, how many times have I seen that? Families focus on respect, and they end up with behaviors that, at least for a time, look respectful, but then they turn sour as the true heart is revealed in time.

The Greek word that is often translated “honor” in the New Testament comes from timae which means “worth” or “value.” It’s one thing to respect (fear) God because of his tremendous power and greatness and another thing to honor (value) him because of those qualities.

They mention that both honor and respect have their place, but we need to remember that we are told in Romans 12:10 to “Honor one another above yourselves.” This means “treating people as special, doing more than what’s expected, and having a good attitude (definition also from Turansky and Miller).” If we are teaching our children to honor rather than just respect, then it will go to a deeper level than mere behavior modification. Instead we are teaching their hearts.

The goal of discipline is to help children not only act correctly, but also to think correctly and to become the people God made them to be. Honor addresses what’s going on below the surface and considers a child’s heart. When you teach children to change their hearts, you will see them make attitude adjustments, not just behavioral changes. You’ll get to the root of disobedience or immaturity, and you’ll help your children make lifelong changes.

I can’t wait to move on to the next chapter!

For today I am going to try to focus on honoring my husband and my children, and being a good model of honor. I can already tell that this is an area that will need a significant amount of work in my life… I’m looking forward to the journey.

The Beatitudes

September 27, 2006 by amanda 2 Comments

Matthew 5

The Beatitudes

1Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying:
3“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.11“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Confession time: I’ve never really gotten the Beatitudes. I mean, I understand them, but I don’t think I’ve really strived to live them. Much on the contrary, I’ve used the more to help myself feel better in bad times. For example, when I was mourning, I thought “‘Blessed are those who mourn’, so this isn’t totally a bad thing.” I did NOT think “‘Blessed are those who mourn.’ I should mourn more in my regular life!

Right now I am reading through Dr. Teresa Whitehurst’s How Would Jesus Raise a Child, and her chapter on the Beatitudes is making me think. She says

If you want to become more like Jesus as a person and a parent, the Beatitudes are a wise and easy place to begin.

So then she gives some examples of the way Jesus lived the Beatitudes and the way that the world lives. She says, for example, that Jesus tells us that when you’re gentle (meek), not harsh with others, you will inherit the earth. The world’s view is “Show ’em who’s boss. You gotta be cruel to be kind.”, etc.

OK, so I understand what she’s saying there. Like I said, I don’t think I’ve done much striving to live them, but I get her point. I’ve always thought more about the Love verses or the fruits of the Spirit, etc.

Then she starts talking about exactly the same thing as Charlotte Mason. I discussed it in my Trains of Thought entry. She says that humans have a hard time with change and are actually immune to it. The same thing CM said! Go figure

…it short-circuits our goals. We want to lose weight, but can’t seem to overcome our immunity to change in the area of eating habits. We want to be more patient with our toddler but our “immune system” kicks in, preventing us from trying a new, calmer method for handling fussiness.

So now I’ve read this twice in two weeks. Maybe God is trying to tell me something 😛 She goes on to give a great example

When I was getting used to my laptop, it took me several days to unlearn the placement of the keys on my familiar old desktop computer. Some moves were so ingrained that I actually had to cover certain keys with tape so as not to hit them accidentally, erasing my work each time! So it goes with the challenging internal changes for which Jesus promised blessings and rewards in the Beatitudes. They will require that we “tape over” certain habitual ways of thinking and behavior so that we can begin to learn and use what Jesus taught. It may feel awkward at first, but if you inhibit your usual ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, eventually you will find that Jesus’ teachings are not impossible to incorporate in your life after all.

I like the way that she built on the same ideas as CM. I like her example. I’ve experienced the same thing with a new keyboard, and I’ve also experienced that same difficulty when trying to change a bad habit. The fact is that you get used to the new way of life if you just stick with it.

This also reminded me of when I first bought my new glasses. My dh is going through the same thing right now, so I can really empathize. I have progressive lenses. I have the strongest prescription at the bottom for reading, a moderate prescription for mid-distance (like the computer), and hardly any prescription at all for distance. For the first week or two, I felt terrible with these glasses. I kept getting dizzy. I was getting stabbing pains in my brain. It seemed bad. Then one day I could see and my brain had figured out which part of the glasses to look through for different activities. Now I can’t live without them!

I think I need to apply some of these same principles in my life.

So the last point that I wanted to discuss is her interpretation of Matthew 5:48 (“You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect”. This is a tough verse. We know we can’t be perfect. That’s why we need God. So what gives?

I used to worry about this instruction. Then, after further study, I realized that Jesus didn’t say, “So be as perfect as God.” To say this would be to imply that we are on equal footing with God, with equal powers of perfection. Rather, what Jesus was urging his listeners to do was to take his teachings seriously and strive towards the ideal that God represents.

I’m off to digest this some more. I’m sure I’ll write about it again!

Comparing our children

September 24, 2006 by amanda Leave a Comment

Never compare yourself to others. You’ll become either vain or bitter.

I’m reading the chapter on comparing siblings in Siblings Without Rivalry and it is making me think. As she discusses the way that criticizing or praising changes the way a child views themself, I am having a lot of a-ha moments.

I am a very competitive person, and I would be lying if I said that I don’t care what other people think or do. Not only do I care, but I also strive to one up people. It’s terrible, but true. I am really trying hard to both fix it in myself and to teach my kids to do better.

I have told myself that it is ok to occasionally tell my children things like “You can eat so much neater than the baby” or “Look how your sister went straight to her car seat and buckled herself.” Now I am cringing as I type those statements out because I see how I was building up pride and vanity while making my kids think they were better or more loved at the expense of the other one. It is something that I’ve just recently started doing, and I am kicking myself!

Although I’m sure it made my dd proud to hear that I was happy that she buckled herself, it made my son feel as though he couldn’t measure up. When I told my son he could eat more neatly, then he told himself he was better than she is. I’m such a dunce!

So instead of me saying “You picked up all of your toys!” and my son thinking “I’m great at cleaning up!”, I sometimes said “You don’t leave stuff around like your sister. She’s too young to clean up after herself.” and he thought “I’m better than her!” Grrrrreat Not exactly the lesson I was trying to teach.

This whole DescriptivePraise thing is tough for me. I naturally slip into “Good job!” and “That’s beautiful!” instead of “You folded all of the laundry!” or “Look at all of the lines that you drew!” (I almost put “beautiful lines” in my example! Ack!) This is something I need to concentrate on…

Romancing Your Husband

September 23, 2006 by amanda 3 Comments

A few years ago, my mother-in-law gave me this book and deeply encouraged me to read it. I was a bit |-| because, hel-lo, I was a newlywed and plenty of romancin’ was going on As I was listing some old books on paperbackswap, I came across this one. I thought I’d give it a chance and read it. Here’s my early thoughts.

Why is it that so many (Christian) marriage books attempt to boost the marriage at the expense of the family? This drives me nuts!!! I realize that my MIL doesn’t have any kids around the house, so she probably didn’t think about this. Consider this quote from Chapter 1. Here she talks about how she planned for a getaway to a bed and breakfast with her husband and how she managed to get her kids to a friend’s house so they could get away.

This doesn’t sound like much, but we had adopted our Vietnamese daugher, who was two at the time, and had only had her about six months. Pulling her from the orphanage deeply disturbed her and she screamed for almost two years after we got her. The whole time I was preparing to leave, Brooke was following me around the house, screaming as if she were being attacked.

Come, let us reason together. WHY WOULD YOU ABANDON A SCREAMING CHILD WHO OBVIOUSLY HAD SOME KIND OF ATTACHMENT DISORDER SO THAT YOU COULD GO WALK AROUND NAKED AT A BED AND BREAKFAST?!?! (The naked part is later discussed.) Couldn’t she have romanced him in a less traumatic way for her new daughter? Couldn’t a solution have been found where no one had to suffer? Why does it have to either be the marriage or the whole family unit? This all-or-nothing thinking seems common in this book, and its driving me a bit batty.

Our lives are full of seasons. I am not currently in the naked-at-the-Victorian-bed-and-breakfast season. Is that so hard for people to accept? The above scenario was the ONLY suggestion for romancing your husband.

[Sigh] I hope it gets better.

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