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Romancing Your Husband

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A few years ago, my mother-in-law gave me this book and deeply encouraged me to read it. I was a bit |-| because, hel-lo, I was a newlywed and plenty of romancin’ was going on PAs I was listing some old books on paperbackswap, I came across this one. I thought I’d give it a chance and read it. Here’s my early thoughts.

Why is it that so many (Christian) marriage books attempt to boost the marriage at the expense of the family? This drives me nuts!!! I realize that my MIL doesn’t have any kids around the house, so she probably didn’t think about this. Consider this quote from Chapter 1. Here she talks about how she planned for a getaway to a bed and breakfast with her husband and how she managed to get her kids to a friend’s house so they could get away.

This doesn’t sound like much, but we had adopted our Vietnamese daugher, who was two at the time, and had only had her about six months. Pulling her from the orphanage deeply disturbed her and she screamed for almost two years after we got her. The whole time I was preparing to leave, Brooke was following me around the house, screaming as if she were being attacked.

Come, let us reason together. WHY WOULD YOU ABANDON A SCREAMING CHILD WHO OBVIOUSLY HAD SOME KIND OF ATTACHMENT DISORDER SO THAT YOU COULD GO WALK AROUND NAKED AT A BED AND BREAKFAST?!?! (The naked part is later discussed.) Couldn’t she have romanced him in a less traumatic way for her new daughter? Couldn’t a solution have been found where no one had to suffer? Why does it have to either be the marriage or the whole family unit? This all-or-nothing thinking seems common in this book, and its driving me a bit batty.

Our lives are full of seasons. I am not currently in the naked-at-the-Victorian-bed-and-breakfast season. Is that so hard for people to accept? The above scenario was the ONLY suggestion for romancing your husband.

[Sigh] I hope it gets better.

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A vision for our homes

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I want my home to be a laboratory of life, a place where my children and husband may flourish and feel loved, encouraged, spiritually refreshed, and emotionally prepared to face the work God has for them in life. I want it to be a place where they can learn in safety yet be challenged to grow.

Isn’t that an awesome quote?

Yesterday I was reading and thinking, and this quote just jumped off of the page. This is exactly what I want for my family. What a beautiful vision!

I also want my home to be the best place to be in the minds of my family. Peace and acceptance, excellence and a passion for living, comfort and funn–I want all these qualities to come to my children’s minds when they think about home. If I can succeed in creating a nurturing environment that speaks peace to their souls even as it helps them grow, I will feel that I have done my job as keeper of my domain.

::nodding emphatically::

…Chores are done the same way each day, week, and month of the year so that our children know what to do and when. Each child has a part of the kitchen to do… Whoever cooks does not have to spend time cleaning the kitchen. Rooms are to be picked up at a certain time before dinner… My sons will definitely know how to be a help to their wives because home maintenance was a routine part of their daily lives

See, this is a big part of why I love this book. It talks about all of the weys to create the “traditional” comforts of a home, and yet it is not sexist at all. It treats all children equal when it comes to responsibility. Girls learn to think and boys learn to clean up after themselves. One is not at home cleaning up while the other one gets to explore. Go figure!

Earlier today I was researching a curriculum that someone had mentioned, and these were the skills taught for the boys and girls. Note that the boys get to learn leadership skills, literature, public speaking skills and “knowledge” while the girls get to do basketweaving. Yay!

For the boys:

BIBLICAL MANHOOD 16

Bible Memory 17
Bible Reading 20
Personal Journal 24
Prayer Warrior 25
Proverbs Study for Boys 27

FIELD AND FOREST 42

Archery 43
Birds 48
Butterflies 51
Camping 55
Ecology 60
Horses 63
Insects 66
Outdoor Life 71
Plants 76
Pocketknife 82
Trees 84
Wildlife 88

KNOWLEDGE AND SKILLS 93

Astronomy 94
Chess 99
Computers 102
Drawing .106
Electricity 110
Finances 115
Fire Safety 118
First Aid 121
Foreign Language 123
Gardening 125
Genealogy 132
Health and Fitness 136
Home Care 141
Hygiene 144
Kites 148
Knots 155
Leatherworking 167
Models .174
Oil Painting 178
Pets 182
Photography 185
Poetry 188
Rocketry 192
Rocks and Minerals 198
Sign Language 203
Small Engine Repair 205
Stamp Collecting 208
Tools 212
Typing 224
Watercolors 226
Weather 228
Woodburning 233
Woodcarving 236
Woodworking 243

LEADERSHIP 247

Biography 248
Library 254
Literature 257
Music 260
Organization 264
Propriety 265
Public Speaking 267
Scheduling 269
Scholarship 274
Stewardship 277
Storytelling 282
Teaching 284
Writing 286

OTHERS 291

Bus Worker 292
Church 294
Family 297
Friends 303
Grandparents 307
Great Commission 310
Letters 311
Love 315
Missionary 320
Neighbor 322
Others 325
Rest Home 327
Special Needs 329
Widows 333

RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES 335

Badminton 336
Bicycle 338
Croquet 342
Fishing 344
Golf 347
Hiking 350
Ice Skating 354
Swimming 357
Table Tennis 356
Tennis 357
Volleyball 359

and the full girls’ list

General Information

Purpose, Goal, Verse, Prayer 12
Keepers at Home Theme Song 13
Achievement Awards 14
Biblical Girlhood 16
Bible Memory 17
Bible Reading 20
Personal Journal 24
Prayer Warrior 25

Creative Skills 27

Basketweaving 29
Calligraphy 33
Candlemaking 36
Candlewicking .43
Ceramics 47
Counted Cross Stitch .49
Crewel Embroidery 53
Crochet 56
Decoupage 58
Dollmaking 60
Drawing 63
Embossing 67
Embroidery 71
Flower Arrangement 75
Knitting 78
Latch Hooking 82
Macrame 84
Miniatures 91
Needlepoint 92
Oil Painting 96
Photography 100
Plastic Canvas 103
Pressed Flowers 106
Quilling 110
Quilting 115
Rubber Stamping 120
Scrapbooking 124
Spinning 127
Stenciling 130
Tatting 133
Tole Painting 136
Watercolors 140
Weaving 142
Homemaking 147
Baking 148
Budgeting 150
Cake Decorating 153
Camping 155
Cleaning 157
Cooking 160
Fire Safety 166
First Aid 169
Food Preservation 171
Gardening 175
Health and Fitness 182
Home Decorating 187
Hygiene 189
Ironing 193
Laundry 194
Organization 196
Proverbs 31 Study for Girls 199
Scheduling 209
Sewing 214
Soapmaking 216
Knowledge and Skills 220
Biography 221
Computer. 227
Foreign Language 230
Genealogy 232
Library 236
Literature 239
Music 242
Poetry 244
Sign Language 248
Storytelling 250
Teaching 252
Typing 254
Writing 256
Nature 260
Birds 261
Butterflies 264
Flowers 268
Horses 270
Insects 273
Pets 278
Trees 281
Wildflowers 285
Others 287
Bus Worker 288
Child Care 290
Church 292
Ecology 295
Etiquette 298
Family 300
Friends 306
Grandparents 310
Hospitality 313
Letters 316
Love 320
Missionary 325
Neighbor 327
Others 330
Rest Home 332
Special Needs 334
Witnessing 338

Recreational Activities 339

Badminton 340
Bicycle 342
Croquet 346
Hiking 348
Ice Skating 352
Swimming 353
Table Tennis 354
Tennis 355
Volleyball 357

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Does God punish us?

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Joe and I had the most amazing conversation last night about God’s character and how that translates into our marriage and our parenting. I’m hoping to do a couple of blog series on the stuff that we discussed because it was really awesome.

The conversation started with a discussion of God’s character and whether or not God punishes us. The way that you answer this question not only changes the way that you look at God, but also the way you relate to Him, the way you talk to yourself and respond when you sin, and the way you respond to others when they sin. This is such an important topic, and its one that Christians are really wishy washy on…

I believe we sometimes experience consequences of our sin, however I do not believe that God punishes us, especially after we repent and ask for forgiveness. When we are forgiven it is complete. There may be consequences that happen from our sin, but I do not believe that God actively punishes us.

Hebrews 8:12For I will forgive their wickedness
and will remember their sins no more.

Hebrews 10:15The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First he says:
16″This is the covenant I will make with them
after that time, says the Lord.
I will put my laws in their hearts,
and I will write them on their minds.”[b] 17Then he adds:
“Their sins and lawless acts
I will remember no more.”[c] 18And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin.

Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper,
but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

1 John 1:9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

God teaches us by grace. He gives us grace and we respond. When we repent, we are forgiven.

I think of how this applies in my life and how I often choose not to follow in God’s pattern. If I sin, I often want to do to myself what Satan would like for us to do: to isolate, tell myself that I am not worthy of love, and to hide in shame. I am basically putting myself in time out. I withdraw myself from those who love me and tell myself how terrible I am. This is not how God handles us at all! When we sin, we are supposed to do just the opposite. We should confess and be healed!

James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

The Christian community almost encourages outward “sinlessness” above heart change. I think that many of our marriage and parenting methodologies try to make everything pretty on the outside, and yet never address the heart.

If I raise children that act perfect on the outside, but don’t have it in their heart, then I have failed! Why does the evangelical community (and our curriculums in particular) keep missing this fact?

The focus on outward appearances has made generation after generation of Christians who do not want to admit their sin and who try to act as if they are perfect. We try to push this perfection on others. The problem is that it is superficial. It is not true. How much better off would the Christian community be if it were filled with believers who admitted their mistakes, tried to be better, and lived in grace?

So why is it that we model to our children and to each other a completely different gospel? Why do we continue to punish ourselves, each other, and our children when that is not the way that God teaches us?

I think that a lot of us are in fear that if our spouse, our friends, or our children are not “punished” when they admit sin to us, then they will have “gotten away” with what they did wrong. I am guilty of fearing this. The fact remains that this is NOT how God teaches us though. He does not make us pay when we confess our sin. He shows us grace.

I’m off to think some more. Please feel free to share any thoughts )

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The punitive mindset

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Although I have spent plenty of time trying to explain it, I still find that many of my friends (the non-GBD kind) don’t see how coming from a punitive mindset changes everything about their discipline, even if the actions that they take are very similar to those of us who practice grace-based discipline.

Last night I finished Crystal Lutton’s Biblical Parenting, and I felt that she concluded with a great discussion of this point. Here she is using the example of a teenager who is about to get her license.

A healthy boundary for a parent to set with regards to their vehicle is that no one without insurance may drive their car. Tell your daughter in advance, perhaps at a famliy meeting, what will happen if she doesn’t keep up the insurance payments. I suggest that she not be allowed to drive your car without insurance. If she misses a payment, take her license and keys. When she catches up on the premiums, return them. This is not punitive. It is logic an adolescent can follow, and it prevents the natural consequence of being in an accident without insurance or a ticket for the same, and your daughter knows the consequences beforehand. This same action would be punitive if done reactively. If you’ve never discussed what will happen if she doesn’t keep up the premiums, it’s punitive to enter her room and demand her keys. Everything within the window needs to be proactive, not reactive.

That makes perfect sense, right? The behavior of the parents can change whether their actions are punitive or not. Its not just what you do… its how you do it.

In the above quote, Crystal also references her “window” which I thought was a great visual for showing how we are to react to our children in a way that is neither permissive nor punitive. I wish she had it online (she may, but I can’t find it), because I’d love to discuss it, but it’d be hard without the pictures.

Now that I’m done with the book, let me say that I truly enjoyed it. I would love it if our small group could study it. My only comment/concern is that I honestly don’t know that many of the men of the group could handle it in Chapter 2 when Crystal says (in speaking of how gender roles and the role of community has changed)

Because of this ever-increasing reliance on a husband to help in parenting the baby and young child, men’s ideas on how to parent children of this age have become more pronounced and are often seen as the “expert” advice. However, it is the woman who has been designed and called by God to parent these young people and, while the help of a husband/father is vital in our culture today, the man would be wise to follow his wife’s lead during these early years.

I totally, absolutely, completely see where she’s coming from, but I know that the military men in our group would piss their pants when they read that. If it was later in the book, I think that we could have a great discussion, but I think that the fact that it is so close to the front means that they wouldn’t even go on. I am sure that was not her intention at all, and they’d see that if they kept reading, but I don’t think they’d ever touch the book again

I’m hoping that our current group book Families Where Grace Is In Place will be enough of a gateway that we could later do Crystal’s book D

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Wicca’s Charm

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In the future, I hope to write a critique of this work, but I think I’ll save that until I’m done ) I think I see some weaknesses and flaws in the author’s writing, but she may very well prove my wrong by the end.

I am in a book group that my friend, Candice leads. The group is sponsored (is that the right word?) by CBE aka “Christians for Biblical Equality”. This month’s selection is Wicca’s Charm by Catherine Edwards Sanders. I was really drawn to the concept of this book. In both my bellydancing and my college classes, I have noticed that practicing Wiccans / witches are becoming more common, or at least more vocal. I am very intrigued by what I see happening around me.

As I’ve started reading, I think I’ve pinpointed that part of my intrigue is based on the fact that I think that I would be very drawn to Wicca if I were not more secure in my faith. In general, Wicca empowers women, embraces environmental causes, and aligns more with where I stand on social issues (compared to the traditional church). I think that there is a HUGE group of women who are turned off by the church because they are demoted to being second-class citizens who can’t fully participate. They can’t lead, they can’t teach (except to children), they often can’t even vote. Its no wonder that women would be drawn to a religion where they would be both welcomed and honored. It sounds kind of nice, actually P

Ms. Sanders addresses this same facet in her preface and then goes on to talk about how much Christians were turned off when they heard that she was writing a book on Wicca. She goes on to say:

Despite these varied reactions, I took comfort in the story of the apostle Paul at Mars Hill in Athens in ancient Greece. He waded into the pool of pagan thought and religion. And he spent time there. He complimented the religious zeal of the pagan Athenians as he walked by their temples and idols. He knew their literature. His words and actions were so intriguing to the pagan Greeks that they invited him to speak at Mars Hill, a place of honor where new ideas were exchanged and challenged. Paul knew Greek literature so well that he quoted a line from their own pagan poets to explain the gospel. The line that Christians know–“In him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28)–is straight from the mouth of the pagan poet Epimenides who lived in Crete in the sixth century BC. This would have been very familiar to Paul’s audience.
This scriptural account of Paul in Athens enables us to freely embrace truth in any form, wherever it is found. Paul’s precedent of quoting pagan poets empowers Christians to do the same and indicates that morsels of truth and insights from general revelation can be found in non-Christian sources. If you were to follow Paul’s approach when talking with a Pagan teen today, for example, you might quote a line from the well-known neo-Pagan Wiccan writer Starhawk. But it takes time to read Starhawk’s The Spiral Dance and see how her yearnings can be met by a relationship with Christ. How astonishing that seems: An ancient equivalent of Starhawk was quoted in the Bible!

I didn’t realize that about Paul, but I looked it up, and sure enough, Wikipedia confirms:

Epimenides’ poem Cretica is quoted twice in the New Testament. In the poem, Minos addresses Zeus thus:

They fashioned a tomb for thee, O holy and high one—
The Cretans, always liars, evil beasts, idle bellies!
But thou art not dead: thou livest and abidest forever,
For in thee we live and move and have our being.

The “lie” of the Cretans is that Zeus was mortal; Epimenides considered Zeus immortal. The second line is quoted, with a veiled attribution (“a prophet of their own”), in the Epistle to Titus, chapter 1, verse 12, to warn Titus about the Cretans. “Cretans, always liars”, with the same theological intent as Epimenides, also appears in the Hymn to Zeus of Callimachus. The fourth line is quoted without attribution in the Acts of the Apostles, chapter 17, verse 28.

The “prophet” in Titus 1:12 is identified by Clement of Alexandria as Epimenides (Miscellanies, chapter 14). In this passage, Clement mentions that “some say” Epimenides should be counted among the seven wisest philosophers.

So that has given me something to think about )

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Families Where Grace Is In Place – Chapter 1

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We’ve just started this book for my group, and I thought it’d be nice to share some of my thoughts.

I can definitely see how my actions fall into the “fallen” category (as in the way people act after the fall of Adam and Eve). I am prone to being the controlling type. Actually, I think everyone is, just some people are more passive-agressive about it, and others are more outwardly aggressive. I think I’m the latter.

I liked Mr. VanVonderen’s description of pre-fall relationships. Its only been in recent years that I’ve started to embrace the fact that the post-fall consequences are not what we need to be living in and accepting. Jesus showed us a new way to live. For some reason I was always taught that it was just how life is, and we had to accept that now, thanks to the fall, the sexes would be at war.

I like this quote. It made me laugh out loud

Pay close attention to Adam’s first response when he awoke and saw Eve: “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh” (v. 23). He did not say, “Great, now I have someone to go get me my stuff, do the chores I don’t feel like doing, and cater to my every need.” And the Word of God goes on: “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (v. 24). This was God’s plan for marriage: entering into the process of becoming one flesh. It is not to “subdue” or to “rule over” each other. Rather, the plan for marriage is a dependence upon God; two becoming one flesh, co-ruling, a relationship in the image of God.

I am happy to say that I do not have a demanding or demeaning husband. He is happy to serve right along side of me, but I still thought the quote was pretty funny.

I hope to have some deep thoughts about future chapters ) For now, I’m just amused. I’m wondering if the men in our group will take offense to VanVonderen’s strong egalitarian message… We shall see!

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