Hippiemommy

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  • You can’t set boundaries on other people

    Back when I was first married – when dinosaurs roamed the earth – someone gave me this book. I think I picked it up for a moment and realized that my problem was not in setting boundaries, but rather in respecting others boundaries ::ducking::  I put the book down and didn’t think about it again.

    I was looking at my bookshelf the other day and decided that I might as well read this book so that I can paperbackswap it. I’m really glad that I picked it up  🙂

    There is a section early in the book where the author is speaking to a client of his who is talking about boundaries she “set on” her husband and said that he could not talk to her “that way” anymore. This is how the author responds

    “What you have done is not boundaries at all,” I replied.

    “What do you mean?”

    “It was your feeble attempt at controlling your husband, and that never works.” I went on to explain that boundaries are not something you “set on” another person. Boundaries are about yourself.

    My client could not say to her husband, “You can’t speak to me that way.” This demand is unenforceable. But she could say what she would or would not do if he spoke to her that way again. She could set a boundary “on herself.” She could say, “If you speak to me that way, I will walk out of the room.” This threat is totally enforceable because it has to do with her. She would be setting a boundary with the only person she could control: herself.

    Hmm, yes. Perhaps I have not been setting boundaries quite as much as I thought I had been. I have told people that they may not speak to me disrespectfully, although I suppose that was just an attempt to control. I’m going to be pondering this for a few days.

  • Its a girl!!!

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  • “Check with your doctor…”

    This week I have been struck by how (unknowingly) dependent I have been on the opinions of my care providers. I like to think of myself as a pretty independent woman, and yet I’ve noticed that I keep thinking that I need to check with my midwife on things I already know.

    My example for this week:

    At GCM we are blessed with a wonderful retired midwife whose opinion I trust more than any doctor. She recommends a few supplements from time to time, and I decided to pick them up after she made some personal recommendations to me. I noticed that my first instinct was to jot down a note to ask my midwife if she approved. The more I thought about it, the more odd that I realized my thinking was. I knew my midwife would leave it up to me – she’s not the type to force her opinion. She will give me her thoughts if I ask for them, but it is not that I need her permission to do something.

    I’m not sure how I got into a habit of not thinking for myself, because that is one of the last ways that I’d ever want to be described. It has happened though. Somehow I lost trust in myself and decided that I needed validation from “experts”. When I ask questions, I usually get responses that I already know, and yet I somehow have been desiring the comfort that comes from hearing my own thoughts coming at me from a more respected source. How bizarre!

    Really… there is something very wrong.

  • Socialization

    The older that my kids get, the less that I am worried about “socialization”. I went to a mix of public and private schools. My dh was homeschooled up until 7th grade and then went to private school. I never even considered homeschooling before my children were born, because I thought that the way that I was raised was the best way. Meeting my husband definitely changed my mind on that one 🙂 Today I was reading some more Charlotte Mason while at the park with my kids, and I really loved this section on children with their peers.

    The Society of his Equals too stimulating for a child.“Let us follow the little person to the Kindergarten, where he has the stimulus of classmates of his own age. It certainly is stimulating. For ourselves, no society is so much so as that of a number of persons of our own age and standing; this is the great joy of college life; a wholesome joy for all young people for a limited time. But persons of twenty have, or should have, some command over their inhibitory centres. They should not permit the dissipation of nerve power caused by too much social stimulus; yet even persons of twenty are not always equal to the task of self-management in exciting circumstances. What then, is to be expected of persons of two, three, four, five? That the little person looks rather stolid than otherwise is no guarantee against excitement within. The clash and sparkle of our equals now and then stirs up to health; but for everyday life, the mixed society of elders, juniors and equals, which we get in a family, gives at the same time the most repose and the most room for individual development. We have all wondered at the good sense, reasonableness, fun and resourcefulness shown by a child in his own home as compared with the same child in school life.

    I love this.  It is so true.  Why is it that our country has become so fixated on the thought that healthy development can only come by being surrounded by people only your own age?  John Taylor Gatto addresses this in his book, Dumbing Us Down, and I wrote about it once before.

    Discovering meaining for yourself as well as discovering satisfying purpose for yourself, is a big part of what education is. How this can be done by locking children away from the world is beyond me.

    Yesterday I went to the library and saw the vast number of books in the collection that were devoted to getting kids excited about going to Kindergarten.  It was really really sad.  Kids aren’t made to be taken away and taught by their peers just because they turned 5.  Now that my son is 5, I am feeling more sure about this than ever.

  • “100 Mile Diet” / “Plenty” book tour in Boulder and Denver

    Sorry for another “local” post, but I just want to get the word out.

    The authors of the 100 Mile Diet (also called Plenty here in the states) will be speaking in Boulder and Denver this week. They wrote a book about their experience on eating local (within 100 miles) for a year. I think it is a really interesting concept.

    If you’re interested in the movement to eat local, then you should definitely come check it out. Even if you don’t live in Colorado, feel free to check out their website. They have a lot of other book tour stops, and the website is interesting even if you never hear them speak or read their book 🙂

    http://100milediet.org/home/

    Boulder, CO
    Tuesday, May 1
    Boulder Bookstore
    7:30 – 8:30 pm
    1107 Pearl Street
    with Boulder Going Local!

    Denver, CO
    Wednesday, May 2
    7:30 – 8:30 pm
    Tattered Cover LoDo
    1628 16th Street

  • “My body is not a lemon.”

    As I mentioned a few entries ago, hearing the heartbeat has made me much more focused.  Today I decided to resume my reading of Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth.  I got to the part where she talks about the fact that many women have excessive bleeding when they deliver the placenta, and my whole body tensed up.  I was pretty impressed that I noticed it, but freaked out that it not only scared me but also created a physical response.  Just a few paragraphs later I saw this

    Remember this, for it is as true as true gets: Your body is not a lemon.  You are not a machine.  The Creator is not a careless mechanic.  Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo.  Even if it has not been your habit throughout your life so far, I recommend that you learn to think positively about your body.

    This is the core of it.  I am afraid that my body doesn’t work as well as it is supposed to.  Things have happened, and even if many were the result of interventions and modern science, it still rattles me a bit.  I said from the beginning that my biggest challenge would be in trusting my body and relaxing during the birth.  If I can relax and trust in peace, then I know I will be fine.  I’m just not exactly sure how to get there.

    On a related note, I have recently realized how much I hold my stress in my body.  My yoga teacher commented last week that my shoulders were super tense.  I’ve been having a lot of migraines, and they always “sit” in my shoulders.  I am working so hard on relaxing my body, but its tricky.  Who knew that controlling your own body could be so challenging?

  • Ina May Gaskin speaking in Boulder on May 4

    I know that I have at least a few local readers. 🙂 If you are anywhere near the Boulder/Denver area, please consider joining the Colorado Midwives Association for an evening with Ina May Gaskin (author of Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth). She will be speaking about childbirth, breastfeeding, and parenting.

    Here’s the important info:

    Cost: $15 per person or $20 per couple

    Location: The New Church of Boulder Valley
    1370 Forest Park Circle
    Lafayette, CO 80026

    Date: May 4, 2007 at 7pm

    The proceeds will help pay for legislative efforts to expand the scope of practice for Colorado midwives and continue to allow them to provide women with informed choices and individualized care. Come support Colorado midwives!

  • A heartbeat

    I had a wonderful appointment with my midwife today, and we heard my baby’s heartbeat.  The kids were so excited.  It was such a joyous moment.  On the way home my son said “I like listening to the baby, mom.”

    Me too.  I like it a lot.
    I was almost this far along when we lost our first baby.  During all 3 pregnancies since the loss, I have become very nervous before hearing the heartbeat.  For the past week or so I have felt like my general anxiety levels were much higher, although I couldn’t put my finger on it.  After hearing the heartbeat, I realized  that this fear was causing my stress.  It melted away.  Even though I know that I didn’t cause my miscarriage, it still haunts me in many ways, and I guess this is one of them.

    So I am now letting myself plan for our new baby.   I didn’t realize how much I was holding back until after I heard the heartbeat.  Now it is really hitting me.  There is so much to plan – so much to do.  I almost feel like I am starting over.  I keep remembering things I need: “Oh yeah, I need to grab the cloth diapers.  Where are my newborn clothes?  Do I still have a baby bath?  Has my Lansinoh expired? …. ”

    Last night I went to a water aerobics class for pregnant and postpartum women, and there was a lady in there who had just given birth 7 weeks ago.  She was nervous and asking to borrow a cell phone because the baby was home with her husband.  When I looked at her face, all of those “new mom” emotions flooded back to me.  I can’t believe its all about to happen again.

    Crazy.

  • GBD success stories

    I’ve posted this kind of stuff in the past.  I think it is important for those of us who are AP/GBD/gentle parenting to make sure that we talk about our successes.  There are often complaints on GCM about the fact that it seems like everyone is raising terrible kids.  This impression can come from the fact that people read the GD/GBD forum, and the only people who post in there are people that need help – not people who are already doing it and reaping the rewards.  If you’re doing it well, and know what to do, then you will rarely be posting in that kind of forum.  The GD/GBD forum can give a skewed view to the outside world, and that part is sad.  Thankfully it is also an amazing resource if you are having problems, but it is not always the place to go for encouragement.

    So anyways, for my latest happy story:

    Tonight we went out to The Outback for dinner (yum!) When we were about halfway through our meal, an older woman came over to our table and said “I wanted to come over here and commend you for the job that you are doing on raising your children.  They are them most well-behaved children I have ever seen and it is obvious that you are great parents by the way that you interact.  This is one of the hardest ages for children, and you are doing an amazing job.”  She went on for a few minutes making us blush  ;)  She had grown children at the table with her, so she’s definitely been through parenting.  Once she left, dh and I smiled to each other, and blushed a little more, because she was so sweet about it.

    The thing is – its not like today is a perfect day.  Julia (3) spiked a fever last night and is all stuffy.  She had a pretty rough day because she is sick.  It was a really nice reminder that the fruits of GBD are apparent even when your kids are sick or overtired or having a bad day or all of the above.

    I have been so blessed to have wonderful parents to model grace based discipline to me.  I was raised this way, and I know that they will never know how much they blessed me through their parenting choices.  It gives me joy to think that we have the opportunity to give our children the same blessing.

  • Why do I lay books down?

    I have this terrible habit – sometimes I am in the middle of reading a really good book and I put it down and completely forget about it! I don’t know why this happens, but I guess I end up getting distracted by another book. This happened to me several YEARS ago with Anna Karenina, and I am just now picking it back up. It is SO good. I loved it when I was reading it. I love it now. What was I thinking?

    In other news:

    A book group that I am a member of, The Classical Review, is starting back up again. If you are a homeschooling mom who is using Charlotte Mason philosophies and wants to read (or re-read) some of the greats that you will be teaching your kids, then I invite you to join us. We are starting Mansfield Park, and I am super excited 🙂 I think there should be so many more groups out there to encourage moms to read what we want our children to read, and this is a great way to do it 🙂 Come and join us!

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